


Just Let Me Listen

by toyourliking



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action, Blood and Gore, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Flashbacks, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Original Character Death(s), Revenge, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-01-03 15:35:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21181826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyourliking/pseuds/toyourliking
Summary: You can't make something happen just by thinking about it. Thoughts aren't magical, they don't predict the future or have sway over natural order. Of course, there are coincidences.Kakashi knew, factually, that what happened wasn't his fault. Still, the guilt consumed him whole.





	1. No One's Careful All the Time

A summer breeze lazily moved the trees overhead as a gaggle of pre-genin were being run through their final weapons safety workshop before the summer break. 

The children were excited, waiting for the bell to ring to signal the end of the day. Their teacher, Iruka Umino, was excited too, but he wasn’t about to let the kids know that. Although he loved teaching and cared for his students, he wouldn’t deny the fact that looking after a horde of small children 5 days a week wore on him. He would relax on the weekends, of course, but he would still regularly run into his students in the market or when strolling along the canal. Thankfully he had a nice and easy delivery mission scheduled for the first week of the break, so he could not only get away from the kids but Konoha proper.

Iruka signaled for the children to pack up. The clock was ticking dangerously close to 3 o’clock and he wanted to leave his students with a congratulatory message before ending the class. Really, Iruka was very impressed that today had gone without incide-

“OW! HARU!”

Or perhaps not.

He was at the young girl’s side immediately to assess the damage. Her friend, Haru, looked ready to start bawling, the guilt of hurting her friend overwhelming her.

“I-I’m so sorry, Tsuki! Iruka-sensei! I don’t know what happened, I just dropped it!”

‘It’ being the training kunai that was embedded in Tsuki’s foot, right across her toes where they weren’t protected by her sandals.

“It’s okay, Haru.” said Iruka, purposefully keeping his tone gentle as to not scare her. “You can come with me to take Tsuki to the hospital, okay?”

“Hospital?!” squeaked Tsuki

The hospital would be the better of the two options, as Iruka knew that the school’s first-aid station was not up for dealing with this. The cut wasn’t so severe to cause substantial blood loss, it was a training kunai after-all, but there was risk of amputation if any of her nerves or tendons were injured badly enough.

Of course, he didn’t tell the girls this.

“Yes, hospital. Your toes are very important, you wouldn’t want me to make a mistake when healing them, right?” he wasn’t sure if that was the exact right thing to say, but it worked.

Iruka asked the class rep to make sure the training weapons were put away safely and correctly before scooping the girl up, making sure not to jostle her foot too much. The rest of the class gave a subdued goodbye as the three of them walked off. Haru, now openly sobbing, was gripping onto Iruka’s pant leg.  
‘Great start to the holidays.’ thought Iruka, bitterly.

* * *

The short trip to the hospital was uneventful, both girls too shocked to chat. After signing Tsuki in and lecturing Haru (“You are to look after her as she recovers, got it? That is your apology to her.”) Iruka made to return to the academy to speak with her parents, who were surely waiting there to pick her up. However, as he reached to open the door, Might Gai bounded in with Rock Lee hot on his heels, and a very bedraggled Kakashi Hatake across his back, looking as though he was barely clinging onto life let alone Gai’s shoulders.

The hospital staff mobilised immediately, and rushed over a wheelchair for Gai to deposit Kakashi’s limp frame into.

“Kakashi? Is he going to be okay?” Iruka heard himself squawk, panic bubbling in his stomach.

Kakashi groaned in what could generously be called Iruka’s general direction, and his head lolled to the side, consciousness evading him.

“He will be fine!” assured Gai, striking his signature pose “I guarantee it!”

Iruka didn’t doubt his conviction, and chose not to doubt his words either. He knew Gai and Kakashi had known each other for a long time, so surely they would know what sort of damage the other could bounce back from. He gave him a small smile in response, and a wave to Lee, as he made his way out of the hospital and back to the academy.

* * *

The class rep had, blessedly, stayed around to wait for Tsuki and Haru’s parents and explain the situation to them, so there was little Iruka had to tell them aside that they were in safe hands. The two sets of parents thanked him and apologised in kind before setting off for the hospital, bickering between them about their daughters and the bad influences they were for each other. Iruka couldn’t stand parents like that, and he was glad he rarely had to deal with them, but he did pity the students who went home to them.

He dismissed the class rep after thanking them for their hard work and wishing them a peaceful break, and made his way back to his classroom to complete the small amount of grading he had left himself. It was while reading a student’s particularly colourful description of how to treat a facial wound that Iruka found his thoughts drifting towards the two jonin he had encountered today. Their friendship was an odd one for sure, with Gai’s boisterousness and Kakashi’s aloofness. Previously Iruka wasn’t even sure if their friendship was mutual. However, after one particular encounter, there was no doubt in his mind that the two were not only best friends, but also perfectly alike.

* * *

Iruka was walking home across the canal bridge when he spied Rock Lee doing one handed push-ups at the far end. He knew Lee and Gai had strange training regimens, but their usual training grounds of choice were, well, the training grounds. Not beside the railings of a bridge. Approaching now with heavier footsteps so as not to startle the boy, Iruka called out to Lee. This was, however, completely drowned out by the bellow coming a few hundred metres away down the canal path.

The Green Beast of Konoha and the Great Copy Ninja looked to be engaged in a race. A hopping race. Limbs tied together and everything. Iruka could barely comprehend what he was witnessing as the two great ninja turned onto the bridge. Even at this distance he could feel the competitive adrenalin pouring off of them, see the sweat flying from them as they exerted themselves. There was no doubt this had been a long race, with a great deal of pride being the reward for reaching the goal first.

As they neared, Kakashi seemed to notice him, as the jonin’s eyes snapped to meet his.

“Iruka-sensei?”

Everything went in slow-motion then. It must have been the shock at being caught in such a silly situation that caused Kakashi to slip, overcorrect his feet, and slam face first into the wooden slats of the bridge. Gai’d roar of victory shook the trees as he crossed the line that Lee had set u- hang on, when did Lee find the time to do that?! As such was the mystery of Gai and Lee, as the two embraced and cried, overwhelmed by the triumph. Kakashi, on the other hand, was still wiggling down near Iruka’s feet. Iruka swears he heard Kakashi let out a pathetic ‘nooo’ as he wriggled, but he would never tell.

* * *

Iruka sighed happily to himself as he capped his pen and began to pack his satchel. He’d never forget that day, being privy to the utter silliness that ensued around Gai and Kakashi was precious to him. He hoped he’d be able to witness it again.

His smile faded at that thought. Kakashi was in hospital. Again. That man was going to run himself into an early grave at this rate, and Iruka couldn’t tell you if that was intentional or not. He shook his head and pushed all negativity away as he shouldered his bag, it wasn’t worth dwelling on, he’d be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't my first work ever, but it is my first work in this fandom, and first work that's this ambitious!
> 
> The title is taken from Graceless by The National, which should tell you a lot about the turn this fic will take.


	2. A Sign that Someone Loves Me

Gai might be Kakashi’s best friend, but that didn’t mean that Kakashi wouldn’t kill him.

Hurtling down the streets of Konoha, Kakashi prayed that his neck would snap, if only to spare him the indignity of being seen like this. He felt he needed to reassure his team that he had no part in this, that he was in no way grateful for Gai taking the initiative to carry him. He would have been perfectly fine walking all the way home, and that would have done no more damage to him than how Gai was carrying him. Probably. Maybe?

No matter, they had finally made it to the hospital. Although he was dazed and couldn’t see, Kakashi could smell the strong--yet oddly comforting--scent of antiseptic and bleach. There was a flurry of sound as they entered, nurses barking orders and the clatter of an old wheelchair being brought towards him. Gai deposited him in it with a surprising grace, and he felt himself finally relax.

“Kakashi? Is he going to be okay?” squeaked someone who sounded an awful lot like Iruka Umino. Wait. Kakashi tensed. Why was he here? Shouldn’t he still be at the academy? In a panic, he willed his body into some simulacrum of a nonchalant pose so as not to worry the teacher.

“Of course sensei, I’ll be fine in no time” is what Kakashi tried to say, but all that translated to was a groan as his head slumped to the side. Perhaps he didn’t look as cool and carefree as he thought.

He was moving then, one of the nurses briskly wheeling him towards a room. As he was being laid out on a bed he could feel Tsunade’s presence enter. Tsunade was sometimes brusque, often frightening, but always radiated an aura of care. He knew she cared for him, she wouldn’t get so angry if she didn’t. He heard her sigh deeply before he felt her warm chakra begin to work on healing his stresses and strains, working into his muscles to repair the tears and relax the tension.

It couldn’t be helped that Iruka rose to the forefront of his mind again. It was very nice of him to ask after Kakashi’s well being. Then again, that was Iruka’s defining character trait. He’d heard as much from Naruto, rambling about the things that Iruka had taught him or given him. Nice, lovely Iruka.

* * *

It was a bitterly cold winter’s morning when the genin of team 7 were awaiting their leader at the village gates. Sakura and Sasuke were both wearing carefully coordinated winter wear; beanies, jackets and scarves in shades of pink and red, and blue and black respectively. 

Naruto, on the other hand, was a colourful mess. His usual orange getup clashed spectacularly with the almost neon green of his bobble hat, and the chunky scarf made of every colour of the rainbow almost vibrated in its intensity. It all looked absolutely awful and Naruto clearly loved it.

Kakashi lazily approached his little team, preparing the excuse he was going to give them. Perhaps this time he had been helping an old lady cross the road and she had frozen half way. Or maybe his front door had been jammed this morning. Or he could even say-

“Kakashi-sensei, aren’t you cold?!” It was far too early to be dealing with Naruto’s decibels.

“Ahh no, Naruto, I’m perfectly fine. My usual gear is more than enough to keep me warm, and in the case that I do get cold, which I won’t, I can just use some chakra.” Kakashi thought that was pretty reasonable, he’d been on colder missions before. The only places not covered by anything were his toes and the top of his head, he’d be fine!

“Hmm. He said you’d say that.”

Now that was interesting. Kakashi tilted his head, raising a single eyebrow. He was genuinely curious, but he didn’t want to seem too needy for information. He had a certain reputation to uphold, especially with his new team.

“Iruka-sensei! He made me these for me, y’know? He’s been getting lessons from the old lady that lives next door to him. He didn’t want to have to pay so much for winter things when wool is less expensive, y’know?”

Kakashi wasn’t sure about that, but he wouldn’t argue. There were shinobi with weirder hobbies, after all. 

“Well they look great, that was nice of him, I guess. Shall we get going?” Kakashi was eager to leave. The sooner they did that, the sooner they would get back. It wasn’t that he disliked his team, they had really grown on him actually, but they could get tiresome after a while.

“Wait, sensei! He asked me to give you this!” at this Naruto pushed a baby blue bobble hat towards Kakashi. Sasuke looked like he was about to explode, and Sakura blushed.

Kakashi was legitimately taken aback. Did Iruka knit this for him, or was it just a spare he had laying around? Either way, he’d thought Kakashi would need it. That meant something, right? It was such a simple gesture of kindness but it burnt in his chest.

“He won’t wear that, idiot! It looks like something a girl would wear!” fumed Sasuke, fists balled at his sides. Sakura just avoided looking at him, her blush almost ferocious enough to melt the snow around her.

Kakashi hesitantly reached out a hand, torn between wanting to maintain his cool and aloof exterior, and his need to embarrass Sasuke and Sakura. Definitely not thinking about what accepting this gesture would mean. Not at all.

The scowl on Sasuke’s face was enough to sway his decision, and he donned the soft blue hat. No one would know about the equally soft smile on his own face.

* * *

Kakashi was wondering leisurely towards the market after a meeting with the Hokage. There was only about 5 minutes left until closing, but he was sure the sweet old man at the vegetable store, Hoshi-san, wouldn’t mind him taking his time there.

As he approached he gave Hoshi a gentle wave and smile, which he dropped when he saw the terrible site in front of him.

There were no eggplants. None at all. Every single one gone. 

He turned to Hoshi to demand an explanation as to what had happened, but his exclamation died in his throat as he saw none other than Iruka Umino paying for his shopping, a big fat eggplant sat pride of place in his basket.

Hoshi noticed his dejected stare and laughed as he handed Iruka his change.

“I’m sorry, Hatake-san, that was our last one. We should be getting more in a few days.”

Days?! During the whole meeting with Sandaime, all Kakashi could think about was cooking up some fresh eggplant when he got home. He was now being deprived of this, and the thought almost made him want to cry. In a level-headed adult way, not a childish strop.

“Ahh it’s alright, Hoshi-san. I’ll make something else. See you then!” Kakashi hoped he kept the whine out of his voice as he turned and started walking towards his apartment. Maybe he’d have rice and tea. Not as nutritious, but it would fill him up.

“Wait! Kakashi-san!” Iruka was jogging after him, his ponytail thrashing back and forth in a strange but endearing manner.

“What’s up Iruka-kun? You don’t want me to teach another shuriken seminar do you?” The first (and coincidentally last) time Kakashi had attempted teaching pre-genin had ended in tears and bloodshed. It was fair to say that it hadn’t gone exactly to plan, but Iruka had insinuated that there may be a next time, so this might be it.

“I want you to have this.” Iruka held out the eggplant.

This was… unexpected. It was Iruka’s, why did he want Kakashi to have it? Did it have a bruise he hadn’t noticed when purchasing it and was now just trying to fob it off without being wasteful? Maybe he saw a worm in it? Maybe it’s-

“I remembered Naruto saying something about eggplant being one of your favourites, and I know you’ve been working very hard lately so I don’t want to deprive you of one of your favourite things.” Iruka’s smile was filled with kindness, and Kakashi honestly didn’t know how to respond.

“Ah sensei it’s fine, I have left over rice at home, I promise you I won’t go hungry.”

Iruka bristled at this and Kakashi didn’t know why.

“Are you kidding? You’re constantly going out on missions in the middle of nowhere, you need good food whenever you can get it! Take the damn eggplant!”

An unexpected outburst for sure, but the unspoken sentiment melted Kakashi’s resolve.

“Alright, sensei.”  


* * *

Kakashi is finally turning in a long late mission report.

It wasn’t truly his fault. He wanted to do it himself, and there were too many stairs in the Hokage tower to traverse with one leg in a cast. 

Finally hobbing towards the mission room, the door in sight, he is almost side swiped by a very harassed looking Iruka. His arms were piled high with mission reports, his gait fast but smooth as he concentrated on not dropping any of them.

“Oh shit I’m sorry, Kakashi! Almost got you there.” the blush creeping along his scarred nose was by all accounts sweet, and Kakashi felt himself smile naturally in response.

“Ahh it’s alright sensei, things happen. Do you want me to take some of those?”

The blush crept broader on Iruka’s face, highlighting the freckles on his cheeks.

“Wha-no! I’m not having you carry any of these one handed.” Kakashi was sure he could hold the whole pile one handed, but he wasn’t about to start an argument. “Why don’t I take yours instead? We both know you shouldn’t be up here anyway.”

That was probably true, but Kakashi had already made it this far. It seemed stupid at this point for him to turn around and go home without completing his errand. And if he hadn’t come he wouldn’t have run into Iruka, so really he was happy with how things were going so far. Iruka’s blush turned into a frown as he waited for an answer, keeping himself in check before he just tore the report from Kakashi’s hands.

“You don’t have to worry about me sensei, I’m fine.” Kakashi assured, but Iruka’s frown stayed put.

“I always worry about you.” Iruka mumbled, before realising the implication, his blush turning an even deeper shade of red.

* * *

Kakashi woke to the feeling of being surrounded, but comfortable.

A blonde head poked its way into his vision, a worried expression broken by a smile, and an obvious declaration of Kakashi’s consciousness.

“So, I’m back here again…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said every Saturday but I finished this pretty quick and wanted to get it posted, you know how it goes.
> 
> Also, there's only one more chapter before shit well and truly hits the fan, so don't get too comfortable.


	3. A Friend and a Fuck-Up

The soft warmth of morning light soothed Iruka’s bones as he lay across his bed. He had woken up early, showered and dressed as usual before he remembered it was summer break. So, after packing his mission bag, he had settled back on top of his bed to lounge in the sun like a lazy housecat. Two weeks without children, and one of those out of Konoha altogether. He'd finished any lesson planning before the break had even begun, so could properly relax and not feel guilty about it. Maybe he could convince his team to stay at various hot springs along the way, take advantage of their travel route. 

Sadly, his reverie was suddenly broken by frantic knocking at his front door.

“Mm’okay I’m coming.” he grumbled as he slid off the bed and lazily slouched towards the intrusion. He was completely snapped into wakefulness though upon seeing a very frazzled Naruto holding a small basket of apples.

“Iruka-sensei! Could you do me a favour?!”

Dangerous words. The last time Iruka had agreed to do something for his dear student, he’d ended up covered head to toe in pond slime. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake again.

“That depends on what the favour is.”

Naruto beamed and held out the apples.

“Could you give these to Kakashi-sensei?”

Oh. Iruka willed his blush away as he asked why Naruto couldn’t take them himself.

“Well, Sakura thought it’d be nice to get him something but I don’t have enough time to deliver them cause we’re going on a mission now, y’know? I know you are too but it’s in the afternoon, y’know, so I thought you might have the time and…” Iruka could see some hesitation in his eyes, and chose to take pity on him.

“You don’t like hospitals? It’s okay, I can take them.”

Maybe it was the wrong assumption, because a look of confusion flashed across Naruto’s face before he settled on his signature giant grin.

“Yep! Hate them. Thanks, Iruka-sensei!” Naruto pushed the basket into Iruka’s hands before running back down the corridor, shouting an offhand “see ya later!” behind him.

With a long-suffering sigh, Iruka placed the apples down inside the door so he wouldn’t forget them when he left. It wasn’t the strangest request he’d ever received from his former pupil, but he couldn’t help but wonder why he couldn’t have just asked someone else. No matter. He still had a few hours ahead of him before he had to leave, so he set his kettle on the stove to boil, ignoring the butterflies in his stomach.

* * *

He felt bad entering Kakashi’s hospital room, because the man had clearly just woken from a nap. His hair was even more ruffled than it usually was, and it took a few seconds for his eye to focus in on him. Briefly, though he’d never admit it, Iruka thought Kakashi looked very cute.

“Ahh, Iruka-sensei? To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Iruka rolled his eyes. Kakashi was often teasing him with this strange flirting. Iruka assumed it was to get a rise out of him. He wouldn’t give Kakashi the satisfaction, though.

“Naruto wanted me to give you these.” he said, holding the basket up “Lazy sod couldn’t find the time to bring them to you himself.”

Iruka placed the basket on the side table, noticing a small pile of crumbs and a protein bar wrapper some visitor must have left behind.

“Here, I’ll get this.” he tutted, sweeping the debris into his hands.

“Ahh sensei you don’t have to do that, I really should have told Gai to clean up after himself.” There was a faint blush to Kakashi’s cheek, probably embarrassed that he couldn’t deal with the mess himself. Iruka didn’t mind helping him out though, and he told him as much as he emptied his hands over the small bin beside the door.

“Well then sensei, maybe I should hire you on. I'm here for a week, you know. Might even get you a uniform.” leered Kakashi, back to his strange flirting.

“Maybe some other time, Kakashi-san. I’m off on a mission this afternoon.” said Iruka, gesturing to his backpack.

This piqued Kakashi’s attention.

“A mission?” Kakashi quirked an eyebrow. “How unlike you, sensei. How will the children at the academy cope with you gone?” 

“It’s summer break. I thought I’d start to take on missions during my time off, helps pay the bills.” Iruka has bristled at Kakashi’s question, insulted by his surprise. Then again, it had been a while, maybe this was a bad idea…

“Well, keep safe, okay? Don’t want the kids to go without their Iruka-sensei, do we?”

There was a tone to Kakashi’s voice and a pinch to his forehead that suggested worry. Worry about what, Iruka didn’t know.

“I’ll be fine, it’s only a courier mission, easy.” said Iruka, glancing at the clock on the wall. “Speaking of, I need to be going. Get well soon, okay?”  
They stayed looking at each other for a few moments longer, a tension hanging in the air.

“Yeah,” Kakashi still looked worried “Take care.”

Iruka smiled.

“I will. Bye.”

* * *

Confused was probably the best way to describe how Iruka was feeling. 

After their clash at the chunin exams, Iruka had been sure that any sort of friendly relationship with Kakashi had been lost. He’d made such an idiot of himself, he was sure there would be no way for him to recover his dignity. How were they here now, with Kakashi’s strange flirting and worried expressions. They’d turned it around somehow. 

He waved to Tsukai and Sute as he approached the gate, shaking Kakashi from his thoughts and readying himself for the mission ahead.

* * *

‘Oh god what have I done?!’

Iruka groaned as he set his head down on his desk. He couldn’t believe that he tried to argue with Kakashi Hatake in front of so many people, and for such a silly reason. He knew he shouldn’t have arced up like that, it was very unprofessional of him, but in that moment his need to protect Naruto overrode any rational thought. 

Iruka was sure that he’d fucked everything up, that Kakashi must think he’s so pathetic. Just when he thought he’d been getting somewhere with him, too. Iruka groaned again, trying to force his face deeper into the wood grain.

“This might be the wrong time.”

Iruka snapped up. Oh no. Stood in the doorway was none other than Kakashi Hatake, posture relaxed and a wry smile glinting in his eye.

“Hatake-san?” Iruka stood, panic flooding his system. Why would Kakashi come and visit him here? Iruka was sure that he was about to get the scolding of a lifetime, and he braced for impact as Kakashi walked towards him. Anxiety bubbled up in Iruka, and before he could think it through he’d opened his mouth.

“Hatake-san, before you say anything I just want to apologise. I was totally out of line and I shouldn’t have questioned your decision like that.” The floodgates were open then, Iruka couldn’t seem to stop himself from talking. “I care a lot about Naruto but I realise now that as his current sensei you have complete authority regarding what further examinations he takes. He isn’t mine and I shouldn’t act as if he is. My feelings embarrassed both of us and again I’m so sorry for-”

“It’s okay, sensei.”

Iruka’s mouth snapped shut. He wasn’t expecting this. He thought that Kakashi would yell, reprimand him, tell him to get his nose out of Naruto’s business. What he didn’t expect was… whatever this is.

“I understand that you’ve somewhat taken on the roll of concerned parent. Your reaction, while definitely out of line, was rational considering your feelings for Naruto.”

Iruka was red. Parent? He cared about Naruto, of course, but parent?

“I think it’s excellent that Naruto has someone like you in his life. Someone stable, someone to stand up for him. You’re wonderful for him.”

“Oh.” Iruka was stunned. The compliment seemed genuine, and he knew Kakashi had no reason to lie to him. “Thank you.” 

The praise sat warm in his chest as Kakashi smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idiots, both of them.
> 
> Feedback is really appreciated, I've never written something this long before :o


	4. Bullets Through Rotten Fruit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter is why there's a content warning on the fic. Lots of gore in this one, so tread carefully.

The mornings were surprisingly quiet in the hospital. Gentle birdsong and the whisper of wind through the trees accompanied Kakashi as he slowly ate his meager breakfast. It was his third day of bed rest, and he could feel his strength slowly coming back to him. He could almost say he was enjoying his time there, but he knew that by tomorrow he would be getting antsy. But that was tomorrow, today he was relaxed.

As he took his last bite and pulled his mask back up, a nurse came in to take his tray and his vitals. The nurse confirmed that his recovery was coming along nicely, and closed the door on their way out to preserve Kakashi’s peace. Despite only being awake for a little under 2 hours, Kakashi was ready for a nap, so he shuffled down under his covers, and leant back into the cradle of soft pillows behind him.

_A sick crunch of bones reverberates through the forest as Iruka’s limp body collides with a tree, his spine snapping in half._

Kakashi jolted up. 

‘No, no, no this isn’t happening now.’

_Strung up amongst the branches, Iruka struggles against an unseen foe. His binds begin to pull tighter, stretching his limbs in opposing directions. They pull and pull and Iruka is screaming in pain, his limbs dislocating and tearing. Popping and squelching and pained gasping screams overwhelm the landscape until a final wet heave… then silence._

He was frozen, and he felt his breathing begin to labour while flashes of anxiety ripped through his body.

‘This isn’t real,’ he assured himself ‘This isn’t happening.’

_Blood pours from devastated eye sockets as Iruka crawls, screams muffled by the blood filling his tongueless mouth._

Kakashi began to tap his thumb against his hip.

‘One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Breathe in, breathe out. One. Two...’

_Iruka is seizing on the forest floor, blood and bile pouring out his mouth and nose. The leaves rustle gently around him as his body thrashes, a kunai embedded in his temple._

Kakashi was shaking as he repeated his mantra, begging the thoughts to leave him.

_Arms and legs broken, Iruka screams as he is unable to defend himself from the strong foot coming down onto his head. Grey and white matter squirts in every direction, his eyes burst and his teeth are pulverised into his devastated flesh. This will happen, this will happen!_

‘It won’t. He’s only on a courier mission, nothing will go wrong.’ He had to believe this, he wasn’t going to let his thoughts do this. Not again.

He kept tapping and breathing and wishing. If he kept doing this, everything will be okay. If he did this enough, nothing will happen, the thoughts won’t happen. 

_Iruka’s bloated corpse floating in stagnant water. Kunai littering his back._

‘One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Breathe in, breathe out. One. Two...’

_Crawling again. Iruka’s pulling himself along with his arms, leaving his organs behind as they spill from where he’s been bisected._

‘Stop, stop, stop!’

Eventually, torturously slowly, they began to subside, turning from clear images to cloudy thoughts. Concrete scenarios to vague concepts.

_Broken legs. Squashed organs. Bloody eyes, bloody mouth. Blood, blood, blood. Iruka is dead. He’s pulled apart, he’s been beheaded, he’s been skinned. He’s dying, he’s dead._

‘No.’ he thought, firmly ‘Iruka is safe, he is with his team. It’s a simple mission.’

_Simple missions often go awry. Missing-nin, rogue attack. They’ll kill him. Your fault!_

Then silence. The thoughts had ended their tirade, but they’d left their mark.

Breathing easier now, Kakashi continued his tapping and counting. A preventative measure, in case they were to start up again once he stopped. He’d do this until he felt safe, and once more for luck. You can never be too sure.

Kakashi hadn’t experienced something like this since… well, for a very long time. Sure, he’d had the odd bad thoughts, but nothing this intense and vivid. The sounds of Iruka’s body squelching and cracking were still ringing in his ears.

‘Why did this happen? What does this mean, about Iruka and about me? Do I want this to happen? No. But why would I have these thoughts? Will something happen to him? Because it will be my fault if something does.’ He was scared. Something was going to happen. He wasn’t sure if he should tell someone, he didn’t want people to think he’s crazy. But then again, maybe he is. Would a sane person have these thoughts?

He was suddenly broken out of his rumination by Tsunade entering the room. 

“Kakashi, you look pale. The nurses said you’re on the mend. Are you alright?” Kakashi was naive to think that Tsunade, greatest medic in the world, wouldn’t notice something.

“Ahh Tsunade-sama, I’m fine, I just had a bit of a turn.” Kakashi wasn’t completely lying, and hopefully this was enough for her.

“Hmm.” Okay, maybe she wasn’t convinced. But in her grace, Tsunade didn’t push the issue.

“Jiraiya will be arriving soon to discuss matters relating to the Akatsuki, will you be up for that?” There was a glint in her eye, suggesting that there was no real choice.

And really, Kakashi was grateful for the distraction. Anything that will keep him occupied, away from his thoughts, literally anything at all will do.

“I suppose,” he replied, keeping his tone cool “It would be nice to have a chat with him.”

Tsunade let out a low chuckle, but the concern in her eyes didn’t disappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one's a bit short. Then again, you might be grateful.
> 
> Also, no armchair psychology in the comments, please. I've based this around my own experience living with OCD, so that's what ol' Kakashi's got. 
> 
> (A fic author using a character to work out their issues? Revolutionary.)


	5. Trouble Will Find Me

The sun was low in the sky as Iruka and his team steadily made their way to Yugakure. They had only been on the road for about 24 hours now, but everything was already shaping up to be a memorable trip.

Tsukai and Sute were both older chunin, around 40 and 45 respectively, and they had taken it upon themselves to give Iruka several lectures about work-life balance. Neither of them were really active these days, they both only worked at the mission desk, so Iruka understood that it must seem to them like he is all work and no play. Which was true to an extent, but Iruka had friends he saw outside of work. Yes, they were also colleagues, but it was hard to find time to make new friends outside of work these days.

Maybe those two had a point.

They were just setting off again after a toilet pit-stop when a young girl stepped out from behind a tree. Her clothes were tattered and dusty, her inky hair pulled into two low pigtails. She stood defiantly, staring them down, her calm expression barely concealing the malice in her eyes.

“Are you alright, young lady?” called Sute, approaching the girl slowly as one would approach a stray cat “Where are your parents?”

The girl tilted to the side, looking behind the group, and Iruka turned to see a large man step out of the shadowy tree line, leaning on a quarterstaff as a walking stick. He had a body like an ox, both portly and muscular, suggesting that he was built of pure strength.

It was then that Iruka noticed that both the man and the young girl had hitai-ates tied around their upper arms, a deep slash through each, maring the symbol of Kumogakure.

“Oh is that your father?” asked Sute, seemingly oblivious to the danger they were in.

The missing-nin must have been no older than 14, but her chubby cheeks and freckles did nothing to dampen the killing intent rolling off her in waves.

“Yes, we like to come out here to greet travelers.” Her voice was ice cold, and it sent a shiver up Iruka’s spine. 

Surely Sute could sense the danger they were in, what was he playing at? Had Sute really been out of the field for so long? He was acting like, well, like how a younger Iruka would have done, before he tempered his heart and put his head on straight. There was only a matter of time before this situation broke bad, and Iruka was afraid he’d missed his window to prevent it.

There was a glint of metal in the sunlight, and the words of the Sandaime flashed through Iruka’s mind.

_'There may come a time when your kindness puts your comrades’ lives in danger.'_

“SUTE!”

Too late. The sound of metal piercing flesh and scraping bone echoed in Iruka’s ears as the missing-nin’s kunai stabbed upwards into Sute’s chest, piercing his heart.

From there, everything very quickly fell to shit. 

The nin behind Iruka charged forward, swinging his quarterstaff towards Iruka’s head. Leaping upwards towards the trees, Iruka managed to dodge the blow, but was he wasn’t quick enough to escape the second strike to his ribs. He succeeded in his escape, however, and moved east, further into the forest. Taking a second to catch his breath against the rough bark, he assessed the damage done. Three, maybe four, broken ribs. Nothing completely dislodged or pierced, but he now had a huge weak point. He needed to get back toward Tsukai. Before he could push off the tree, however, he narrowly avoided the butt of the quarterstaff as it slammed into the tree, splinters exploding outwards with an almighty crash.

Swearing, his opponent threw his now ruined staff aside, and Iruka took advantage of his discraction to sweep the man’s legs out from under him. The man toppled and landed heavily on his proud stomach, the wind forced out of him. Quick as a dart, Iruka hopped down several branches, and threw a volley kunai over his shoulder at the man for good measure. A shocked yelp came not from behind him but from several trees over. Tsukai had been hooked and pulled to the ground by a third antagonist. Fingers scrambling on her restraint, eyes wild, she didn’t have time to take in what had happened before her ambusher ferociously swung a tanto through her neck. Her expression didn’t change as her head hung limp, connected to her then only by a knot of taught tendons.

Iruka couldn’t take a second to grieve. As he landed on a solid branch he stole a look behind himself at his pursuer. The man wouldn’t be getting up any time soon, as he laid there with one of Iruka’s kunai embedded deeply in the middle of his forehead.

A wild scream resounded through the forest as the youngest missing-nin sprinted forward, her expression murderous.

_‘Oh,’_ thought Iruka, darkly, as he sidestepped an erratic spray of kunai _‘You can kill my friends, but I can’t kill yours?’_

He dove to the ground to avoid a second barrage of weapons, but he wasn’t as lucky this time. The other surviving nin hit him in the shoulder with a well timed shuriken right as his feet hit terra firma, and the man looked to be readying his grappling attack again. Lurching forward, Iruka kicked the weapon out of the man’s hands. It soared through the air, surprising the man, and Iruka took his chance to jab the man in the solar plexus. The young girl had joined them by this point, a kunai gripped tightly in each hand, she flailed her arms madly as she tried to slice Iruka to ribbons.

His opponents’ movements were wild. Blocks became punches, became grapples, became kicks. They weren’t necessarily skilled, but they were completely unpredictable, and therefore highly dangerous.

Iruka crumpled as what he thought was a dodge became a kick, and he felt the bones in his lower leg break and pierce through his skin. His chances of survival were plummeting, and he knew he needed to escape quickly. Smoke bomb, find a tree, hide. It was easy, even his pre-genin students could do this.

He forced both attackers backwards with an arc of shuriken, and plunged his hand into his weapons pouch, fingers grasping for a smoke bomb, but the rapid flow of blood coming from his leg had slowed him. As he pelted the bomb to the ground, mismatched fists crashed into the back of his head and flung him far into the forest as smoke began to plume around the two missing-nin.

_‘Shit, shit, shit!'_

Limbs sprawled awkwardly as he landed, dazed from blood loss and a probable concussion. He heaved himself upward and lumbered as quick as he could towards a tree hollow. As he concealed himself in there, he made sure to hide the trail of blood he had left as best as he could. The two remaining attackers didn’t seem to be too intelligent, but Iruka couldn’t take any chances. They were still ninja after all. As quiet as he could, Iruka began to strap his leg with his ankle wraps, and strained his ears as he tried to listen out for his opponents. There was a ringing in his head had started to become overwhelming, and he as hard as he tried he could only get a flimsy bead on them. 

“Dumb cunt’s legged it.” grumbled the older nin, the tightness in his voice telling of his effort to not cough in the smoke.

“Language.” said the other one, not hiding her coughs “Let’s just get what we can from the others and leave, he isn’t gonna survive by himself.”

Were his injuries really that bad? Iruka conceded that yes, he did feel terrible, but that was probably only because of the concussion that had begun to blossom behind his eyes. He probably wasn’t going to bleed out, and he couldn’t feel if his ribs had punctured his lungs. No, he assured himself, he was going to be fine. Probably.

The older man sighed, still a distance away, as the two shuffled around, assumedly picking up weapons. Their shuffling began to grow fainter, but sharper, as they moved towards the rocky ground of the road. Iruka listened as hard as he could as he heard them fish their fallen comrade out from a tree. They were moving away, which direction Iruka couldn’t say--maybe towards Takigakure?--and he waited until he could hear the last faint scrape of sandal over gravel before he let himself relax.

A concussion, three or four broken ribs, a shuriken in his shoulder, and a shattered right leg. How had he become to sloppy a fighter for this to happen to him? There was no time for him to worry about this now, he needed to get back to Konoha. If he could. There was a soldier pill in his backpack, but he convinced himself that he didn’t need it. Not yet, anyway.

He and his team were travelling north, so he would then have to go south. The sun was setting on Iruka’s right, which meant that the south was behind him. Or in front of him?

Okay, he was definitely concussed. 

“Just get to the road and follow it, you’ll be okay.” he told himself as he exited his hidey-hole.

There were some thick branches on the ground nearby, so Iruka chose a relatively bare and sturdy looking one as a walking stick. He couldn’t just hop back to Konoha, no matter how much that idea made his concussed self giggle.

Following the path of blood and destruction back to the road, Iruka deduced that the south was definitely now to his left. Sute’s body had fallen forward, toward Iruka’s right, so the south must be the other way. Decision made, Iruka stumbled off to his left.

It was about 2 hours into his journey home when his head truly began to throb. His vision shimmered, dappled sunlight and backlit leaves dancing in his periphery. Golden tones warmed his skin as they swirled and swayed with his heartbeat. His vision lurched and spun as he collapsed on the roadside, bile spilling forth from his lips, and he began to shiver as things got darker, and he eventually slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

“Captain, I’m sorry. I put everyone at risk with my actions, it was foolish of me.”

“No, it was my mistake. I shouldn’t have let you out of my sight.”

“S-sir?”

* * *

Gasping awake, Iruka scrambled unsteadily back to his feet. He mustn't have been out for long, the sun was still in a similar position in the sky. He shakily leant back on his walking stick, told himself again that he doesn’t need the soldier pill, and continued his slow march back to Konoha.

They had only travelled about one and a half days out of the village at a walking pace, so Iruka rationalised that he could maybe make it back in 3 days. Even faster maybe if he took the soldier pill and walked through the night, but he would cross that bridge when he got to it. A rest sounded very good to Iruka in that moment, but he wasn’t sure if he would be in the clear with his head injury. He was very lucky that he had woken up from that brief black out.

Tsunade was going to kill him. Not only had he lost two comrades, but he’d absolutely fucked up the mission too. The scroll had been safe with him, so the thugs hadn’t taken it, but it still needed delivering. Why a bird couldn’t take it was beyond Iruka. Oh, and he knew that the duty of telling Seta and Tsukai’s families would fall squarely on him. He was going to have to tell them that he was to blame for their losses. Iruka was sure that Tsukai had also just begun to date a civilian man. He wasn’t sure if he should be the one to tell him, he was sure that Tsukai said they’d only been dating a few weeks. Dating a civilian, Iruka couldn’t imagine something worse. They could never understand the lives of shinobi, of their duties and their priorities. Then again, Iruka had never tried dating a fellow shinobi, so maybe that was even worse. If he was honest with himself though, there was only one that he would date anyway. A silver haired dumbass, thinking he’s cool with his stupid ma-

Iruka shook those thoughts away. It was the concussion letting this leak forward, he’d never let himself think this way when he was of sound mind. Kakashi was a ladies man, and Iruka accepted that. He didn’t let himself think of him, because he didn’t want his heart to break more than it already had.

Night was beginning to fall, and Iruka had to make a choice. Either he rested, potentially becoming a victim of either his concussion or another group of marauders, or he could take the soldier pill and get home quicker.

“Really though, is there a choice?” Iruka mumbled to himself as he unwrapped a soldier pill.

Energy pulsed through his body immediately as he began chewing. His fingers tingled and the throbbing in his head receded slightly as he forced himself onward.

What could have been days or months later, Iruka saw the Konoha gates begin to appear over the horizon. He spurred onward, his leg now throbbed as much as his head, and his vision had become murkier. Not bothering with the password, he let himself trip the border alarm, hoping that this would get help to him quicker, and it did. Three border patrol guards descended on him, shouting at first in anger and then concern, strong fists ready to battle became firm hands to hold him upright. Iruka’s hearing was fading and his vision was clouding over again as the adrenaline in his system was replaced with relief.

Finally, finally, he let himself black out again, as a pair of strong arms lifted him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG Sorry this was so late! I made it extra long to compensate. The last couple of weeks have been hectic, it was the end of semester at uni and I’m also trying to find a new apartment. Now I’m just apartment hunting, so I have a lot more free time.
> 
> Also this was the first fight scene I’ve ever written! I literally mapped it out so I wouldn’t get things confused lol. I hope it’s alright!
> 
> Edit: I can't believe that I, a lesbian, used the dead lesbian trope in my own fucking fic. I've changed Tsukai's partner to a bloke to amend this :(


	6. We Were the Same

It had been a little over five days since Iruka and his team had left.

The trip to Yugakure would have taken them three days, so, if they had stopped over for a day, the whole journey would be approximately 7 days long. So really, Kakashi shouldn’t be panicking at this point.

Then why was he?

He knew logically that the thoughts he had were just that: thoughts. He knew that his thoughts alone couldn’t cause things to happen, and he knew that these thoughts weren’t prophetic or influential. He knew that none of what he thought of will happen just because he thought of it happening. 

But a dark part of him rejected this logic.

If something… happened, to Iruka or to his team, Kakashi would hold himself entirely responsible. If he just hadn’t had those _thoughts_.

Kakashi needed a distraction. Thankfully, there was one in the form of a tow-headed young man who was at that moment snoring loudly in the bed next to Kakashi’s. It was both sweet and annoying that Naruto had decided to impose himself like this. Sweet because it was very clear that the boy was excited to train with his sensei and was ready to jump to it at any moment. Annoying because, well, Kakashi wanted to enjoy his chance to relax. He rarely got the opportunity these days, and Naruto brought with him a bubbling, excitable energy that permeated the room even in sleep, disrupting Kakashi’s zen.

He didn’t truly mind though. Despite his initial negative opinion of the boy, Kakashi had grown to see Naruto as a sort of friend, or something closer to younger brother. The pressure of overseeing his late sensei’s son almost overwhelmed Kakashi in the beginning, as he piled him with assumptions and speculation. But the boy crushed all of them, and out of the rubble emerged a fully realised person, separate from legacy and expectation. The world’s number one most unpredictable ninja. Kakashi knew he was a fool for ever thinking he could make assumptions about Naruto.

A sudden knock at the door announced Tsunade’s arrived, and she brought with her Kakashi’s other surrogate sibling Sakura. She had, appropriately, blossomed under Tsunade’s tutelage, and was well on her way to surpassing her sensei. Kakashi couldn’t be prouder.

The two kunoichi gave Kakashi a quick check up before determining him fit for duty. Kakashi was certain they were rushing him out so Naruto would stop haunting the hospital, but truly he was grateful to finally be allowed out of his sterile confines. Naruto was awake then, courtesy of a thump on the head from Sakura, and was all but biting at Kakashi’s heels.

“Time for training, y’know! Let’s go, Kakashi-sensei!”

* * *

It was late that same evening, after a gruelling training session for Naruto, that it happened. Naruto himself was snoring soundly on his half-unfurled bed roll as Yamato and Kakashi sorted out their supplies. Yamato’s bleary eyes drooped shut right as a dull pulse of chakra broke through the Konoha barrier. The only indication that Yamato felt the pulse was a raised eyebrow, but Kakashi bolted to attention, suddenly injected with adrenaline. It came from the main gate, so it wasn’t a priority for either of them, but something about it didn’t sit right with Kakashi. 

“Hmm, stay here, I want to check this out.” and before Yamato could mumble a ‘yeah, sure’ Kakashi was off in a swirl of leaves.

* * *

He flickered onto the main drag, and ran the remaining few metres to the gate so he didn’t spook the guards. Drawing nearer he could see they were crowded around an unmoving body, a panicked looking Kotetsu grasping the body’s shoulders as Izumo checked for signs of life, their hunched forms obscuring the body’s identity. The other guards were organising themselves, one peeling off at a sprint towards the hospital for a medic, and another towards Hokage tower. The remaining border guard gave Kakashi a terse nod as he approached, his expression pale, a pinch of worry creasing his eyes.

“Kakashi-san, I’m glad you’re here. We’re going to need to organise several squads to search for the perpetrators, fan them out through the north-east. Iruka-sensei and his squad were…”

Kakashi’s world stopped. 

Izumo had shifted now to help Kotetsu move the body--no, Iruka--into a supine position for the approaching medics. Iruka. His normally tan skin was ashen, his expression slack, dazed. The only colour to him was the blood. And oh, there was so much blood. It came dripping from the crimson bandages around his leg, it streaked down his arm from a shuriken still embedded there, it was in dried flakes around his ears, around his mouth, his nose. 

“...once he wakes up, but the scene should be easy to find, it should be somewhere along the main road. Kakashi-san, are you listening?”

No, he wasn’t. His brain was on fire, screaming accusations and ‘I told you so’s. This was his fault, he should have prevented it. He should have known, he should have told someone. Iruka was dying and he did this to him. He needed out of his brain, a distraction.

The medics had started triage, and Kakashi zeroed his attention onto them. They had strapped a huge wad of gauze to his leg and packed a smaller one around the shuriken. The older looking of the two was using his chakra to check for internal injuries, wrinkled face pulled into a frown of concentration. The furrow in his brow only deepened as he analysed Iruka’s head, and Kakashi’s breath caught in his throat.

“He has a severe concussion with several fractures in the back of his skull. He also has four broken ribs, but thankfully none of them have punctured. Well get him in for his head first, and he’ll need a transfusion before he will be stable enough to operate on.”

The other medic nodded in understanding, and with a practiced skill the two transferred Iruka to a stretcher.

“We’ll need Tsunade-sama for this,” croaked the younger medic, directing her comment to Kakashi, “please send her our way as soon as you can. We’ll keep him stable.”

And they were off towards the hospital, their smooth gate not belied by their speed.

Kakashi desperately wanted to follow. He needed to know that Iruka would be okay. But he’d hurt him, he’d caused this to happen. Iruka wouldn’t be in this situation if Kakashi just didn’t have those thoughts.

_‘It’s your fault.’_

Kakashi ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh!
> 
> I hope you're all enjoying this so far! I'm not getting much feedback, so I'll assume it's all fine.
> 
> Also, I might be a bit delayed in posting the next chapter, cause I may be moving! :O Hopefully won't be too disruptive, and I'll get the next chapter up toot sweet.


	7. Buzzards in the Sky

The rattling of gurney wheels on tiles was the first thing to wake him up. 

Lights flickered overhead as he tried to keep his eyes open, but something more than fatigue was fighting to keep them shut. Voices swam around him, morphing and melding together so that he couldn’t work out where they were coming from. Some were shouting garbled orders, others were talking gently to someone nearby.

‘Oh,’ Iruka slowly realised, ‘probably me.’

A very familiar tone joined the chorus as Iruka felt the bed clatter through surgery doors. Tsunade had arrived, and Iruka grabbed at her voice like a lifeline, desperate for a familiar sound amidst all of the chaos.

“Don’t try to open your eyes, kid, it won’t do you any good.” he could hear her say, a strange edge to her voice that some might call maternal, “Try and relax, we’re going to put you to sleep for a little while. Just until your head’s healed, okay?”

It wasn’t like Iruka had much say in the matter, and he let his eyes rest shut as a sign of compliance. A cold sensation travelled up his arm moments later, and things began to dim.

“What the fuck happened, kid?” was the last thing he heard before slipping into unconsciousness.

* * *

Iruka was lying in the sun.

Warmth spread over his exposed skin, penetrating down to his bones. It was hot, but not uncomfortable, as it beat against his chest and echoed through his whole body. Deep down into his marrow, it descended, and he knew instinctively that it brought with it healing. Sparks and throbs of electricity and fire crackled against his ribs, and the heat got stronger. It was an almost unbearable pressure as this strange sensation pushed and pulled within him. There was a thrum, too, in what felt like the back of his head at those same sensations migrated there. The heat bubbled and spat as this unknown force cradled his skull, pressure there too working into the bone, his skin tightening. There was a featherlight drag up his skin as it joined back together, and the bubbling became a slow roll. 

A final strong pulse of heat washed over Iruka before the feelings suddenly receded back into the depths, his consciousness following close behind.

* * *

If Iruka were able to move, he would have described himself as fidgety.

He had no way of knowing how long he’d been out for, so for all he knew it could have only been half an hour. It wasn’t being in bed and healing that was bothering him, but his complete inability to move. Under other circumstances he found being laid up to be relaxing in a strange way, and he remembered something he said to Anko once during a night of heavy drinking.

‘_Sometimes I fantasise about getting sick enough to go to the hospital, just so I can have a little bit of a rest._’

But in that fantasy he could spend his time reading and doing sudokus, he never once thought about how bored he could become if he were put in a coma. He hadn’t had any visitors either to break up the monotony. Or he hadn’t been awake while they were there, at least. Surely his friends had come to see him by now. Then again, did he want them to see him like this? He couldn’t exactly talk to them, and being conscious for even a little while was exhausting. Maybe he just wanted the validation, to know that his cared about him. He would do the same for them, so surely it goes both ways.

He began to sink back into unconsciousness, energy flagging from overthinking.

‘Maybe if I have a nap, someone will be here to visit when I wake up.’

* * *

Iruka was right.

Floating in the abstract space of Iruka’s mind was Inoichi, looking like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar as he sorted his way through Iruka’s memories.

“Oh, um,” he stammered, as momentary panic flitted across his face, “hi, Iruka-sensei.”

“Hellooo.” Iruka knew he should be more formal with the man--he was a superior rank _and_ the father of one of his former students for fucks sake--but whatever fantastic drugs Tsunade had him on had pushed all of his inhibitions away. Inoichi could clearly tell, and he grinned.

“Hi. Tsunade-sama asked me to have a look at what happened to you since, y’know, you can’t exactly talk right now.”

Yes, that did make sense, Iruka had to agree. He supposed, too, that what happened was probably a matter of national security, or at least of interest. Overcome with a need to be helpful, Iruka tried to pull hazy memories of the attack forward for Inoichi, straining his mind’s eye as hard as he could, but he could only procure ones of himself stumbling through the forest.

“Hey, no, you don’t have to do that.” said Inoichi, wafting away a colourful memory of Iruka puking beside a tree, “I can sift through this by myself, you can go back to sleep if you’d like.”

Oh thank fuck, Iruka sighed in relief, being awake for so long was exhausting. But before he slipped back into unconsciousness, he had a very important request for the jonin.

“Hey, Inoichi? Could you scratch my nose for me.”

* * *

It was amazing how a simple action like opening one’s eyes could cause such a commotion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a short one! I'm moving into a new apartment and I (possibly) have bronchitis so things are just!!! Ahh!!!
> 
> Oh and the line about wanting to get sick enough to go to the hospital was something I lifted from the chaotic cooking comedy The Katering Show. I've had that thought before, but the way she words it is *chefs kiss*


	8. I Should Live in Salt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit it's been two weeks, sorry!!

Each gasp of air burnt through Kakashi’s lungs as he sprinted through the forest.

He knew that he still needed to be recuperating. Kakashi’s body wasn’t anywhere near ready to be pushed this hard, but he continued to move forward, spurred on by the desperate need for absolution.

Droplets of blood marked his way. Their path staggered along the road in a drunken sway and collected in puddles under trees where Iruka had rested. Next to these trees were grotesque splatterings of dark bile, putrid and congealing, full with what looked like coffee grounds. The analytical part of Kakashi’s mind recognised it as digested blood. The rest of Kakashi’s mind continued to scream.

* * *

He could smell the body long before he could see it.

A Konoha chunin, face down in a puddle of thick, congealed blood, ants crawling over his lifeless form. The stench of death clawed at Kakashi’s nostrils as he suppressed a shudder, and he steeled himself to turn the body over, determined to know this person’s identity.

But there was no face to identify.

Startled by the movement, ants began to pour out of the person’s mouth, their eye sockets, their nose. They had eaten the soft tissue of the person’s face, made their way down to the bone. There were no eyes to see, no tongue to speak. A shounin of Konoha had been reduced to a bloody mess of bone and sinew. Kakashi sighed out a prayer.

He shook the ants off his hands and moved onward, following a trail of movement into the trees. There were two paths, Iruka and his comrade must have split, so Kakashi chose the southern route and followed it upwards into the trees. 

He was immediately confronted by a large smear of dried blood that, when fresh, dripped and pooled among the roots. There was too much blood for a person to have survived, so a body must have been removed from there. If it were taken, it must have been one of the enemies, so that meant one less person for Kakashi to worry about. He noted the spray of kunai embedded in the tree branch. Only one of them must have hit their target. He didn’t spare another thought for this person, and instead hopped back down to the ground, northwards towards-

Another body. Another Konoha chunin.

They lay on their back, decapitated head awkwardly tethered by now dried tendons. Their bloated belly pulsed grotesquely, suggesting another infestation of ants. Kakashi tried to stay analytical, to try and maintain his already loose grasp on his sanity, but there was nothing he could do as his resolve began to crumble. It was then that he noticed he was trembling.

Kakashi couldn’t help but feel guilty. His thoughts were the reason this happened, after all. Yes they were about Iruka, but they had clearly bled out and affected those around him too. Rage bubbled in his chest, towards himself or the attackers Kakashi couldn’t tell, and his trembling intensified. He needed to do something, he needed to fix this.

Looking down at the ground, Kakashi could see the frantic footprints left from a fight. There were three distinct prints, so two attackers and Iruka. If Kakashi could find those other attackers, if he could take them out…

He followed the two sets of prints, which forked and connected in a way that suggested they searched for used weapons. The larger set moved towards the bloodied tree, confirming that they must have taken a body. Eventually the footprints met up back at the road before they turned and headed north-west.

Kakashi followed.

* * *

The warm glow of morning did nothing to temper the cold that had settled in Kakashi’s chest.

He slipped through the dewey trees, quiet as the wind at his heels, and continued to follow his prey’s tracks, punctuated every so often with a drop of blood. Eventually the treeline broke at the base of a rocky hill, and hidden near the top was the mouth of a cave. Kakashi followed a well-worn path upwards, noting smooth patches of rock that had been used as foot and hand holds. Either the people living here had done so for a very long time, or they had taken it from someone who had.

The weak breeze that had been following him suddenly changed direction and began to blow past the cave’s entrance, and brought with it the stench of putrid flesh. 

They hadn’t dumped or buried the body. Why had they put such an obvious lure in their hideout? Was it to draw in more travelers? Or was it to lure in someone like Kakashi? If so, it had worked.

Kakashi continued upwards, readying himself for the confrontation to come. His chakra was still low, so chidori was out of the question, he would have to settle this with taijutsu.

Moving then into the mouth of the cave, the stench became so overwhelming that Kakashi had to breathe through his mouth. How the people living there could put up with it was beyond Kakashi, as was the question of how they hadn’t been carried off by beasts yet. Perhaps that was their plan, and they were eating the creatures they’d drawn in.

There was no evidence of animal bones as Kakashi silently crept forward, but he could see his marks.

One was a large man who was snoring softly on his side, facing towards the now dead campfire. The other was much smaller, possibly a child, and they lay shivering, curled up close to a large mound wrapped in cloth. The body.

Any flicker of sympathy that Kakashi might have felt was immediately squashed by a strong wave of killing intent. He could have easily killed the two in their sleep, but that would have been too easy. He didn’t want to grant them the mercy of a quick and painless death. Deciding to wake them up for a proper fight, Kakashi lobbed a kunai at the wall, which bounced off with a clang that echoed around them.

Immediately, the two were on their feet, bleary eyed but ready to fight.

“Who the fuck are you? How did you find us?”

If they didn’t recognise them, then they weren’t mercenaries. There was a fear in the man’s eyes too, so he wasn’t some soulless killer…

Kakashi shook those thoughts away. These were the people who tried to kill Iruka, and succeeded in killing his team. They didn’t deserve his mercy, they deserved pain.

In lieu of answering the man’s question, Kakashi threw another kunai, this time he embedded it in the man’s right shoulder. He fell howling to the ground, and the girl leapt forward.

She aimed a kick at Kakashi’s head, who blocked it and pushed her hard into the cave wall. The man threw a sloppy punch, which was very easy for Kakashi to dodge, who then returned the attack with a jab to the man’s solar plexus. He collapsed, and the girl rushed to him. Murder in her eyes, she tore the kunai out of her companion, who wailed like a lost child, and lunged back towards Kakashi.

Her arm was stabbing wildly, desperately seeking out Kakashi’s neck as the two blocked and parried each other. She wouldn’t be as lucky this time. With a deft jab to her wrist, Kakashi disarmed her and took the kunai back as his own. Before she could regroup with her partner, Kakashi slashed at her stomach. She screamed in shock as her bowels began to spill. Slippery hands grabbing and pushing at slippery organs. She collapsed to the ground, gasping.

With a wordless yell the man was at her side, and he tried in vain to push her guts back in. Furious, he looked up at Kakashi to scream at him, but he was quickly silenced by a kunai, thrust upward into his jaw. Kakashi wrenched it back out, and in one movement slashed at both of their throats.

The duo looked to each other as they took their last shuddering breaths, blood gurgling from parted lips, and Kakashi felt no relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long gap between updates! As it turns out, moving apartments is really hard! I’ve been settling into my new place and finally relaxing for the first time in months. I really really hope to get another chapter done and out before the end of the year :)
> 
> This chapter's longer than the last few but for some reason feels super short. I might re-write it at some point. Might do that with the whole fic tbh.
> 
> Anyway, I hope this didn't disappoint too much lol


	9. What Am I Supposed to Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll have to go through and edit this for typos and comprehension in the morning but hopefully it's worth the very long wait

An echo of pain pulsed through Iruka’s chest as he sat up in bed. His body had become stiff and slow like an old door hinge after being comatosed for only two days. Though Tsunade had done a wonderful job patching him up, he was a little miffed that she wouldn’t relieve him from the aches and pains of healing.

“That isn’t what I’m here for,” she’d said “Man up and deal with it.”

He raised his arms above him in a stretch, pulling his muscles and bones awake as they creaked and popped in protest. Man down, more like. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so weak.

“Or maybe I can.” Iruka mumbled, memories of Mizuki fluttering at the edge of his mind.

Iruka huffed. There wasn’t much entertainment in a hospital. He’d barely even had any visitors. Granted, he hadn’t been awake for very long, but he wished he had more people to see than hospital staff and Sakura, who, Iruka conceded, was hospital staff.

In his less lucid moments, Iruka had dreamt that Kakashi would come and visit him. He’d shuffle into the room with a small smile, one hand in his pocket guarding his precious book, the other holding a clump of limp flowers, roots attached and covered in dirt, plucked straight from the hospital garden. 

But that wasn’t going to happen. He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of the man since he’d arrived back at Kohona. Unless that was a dream too, and Iruka was inclined to think it was.

_‘Wishful thinking never did anyone any good.’ _Iruka scolded himself, _‘Kakashi has no obligation to visit, he might not even know we’re here.’_

Though a rational thought to have, it did sting. 

With a huge sigh, Iruka closed his eyes. He needed something to distract him from the disappointment that was morphing into self-hatred. Thankfully, there came a distraction in the form of muffled arguing outside his room. He tuned his ears to listen into the sharp voices.

“Just tell me!”

“Okay, but Tsunade-sama, please don’t be mad.”

Shizune’s voice sounded strained as she braced herself against Tsunade’s wrath. Tsunade, in turn, clicked her tongue.

“It’s about Kakashi, isn’t it? Is that little shit back yet?”

A wave of selfish relief rolled over Iruka. If Kakashi hadn’t been in Kohona for a few days, that would explain why he hadn’t visited! But rationality jumped in, flooding Iruka’s mind with panic. Where exactly had Kakashi run off to? And without Tsunade knowing...

“U-um,” Shizune seemed to weigh her answer carefully “Yes and no. He isn’t back, but the bodies of three missing-nin have been found in a cave near the route to Takigakure-”

No. Iruka couldn’t believe his ears, it didn’t make any sense. Why would Kakashi go after Iruka’s attackers? Kakashi didn’t seem the type to look for an excuse to fight, so why would he feel the need to go after those people?

The outside conversation faded from Iruka’s ears as he sat ruminating.

He didn’t even hear Tsunade bellow in rage as she was told Kakashi had entered the front gate.

* * *

“What the FUCK, Kakashi?!”

Kakashi flinched. Never in his life had he seen Tsunade so angry.

“A team wiped out and you go missing?! What the fuck possessed you to do that?!”

The air in Tsunade’s office was tense, and he was very wary about making a wrong move.

“It’s my fault that Iruka-san and his team were attacked, Tsunade-sama.”

Tsunade looked floored. This was not the reaction she was expecting from Kakashi. She expected an argument, a fight. She didn’t think he would roll over and take the blame. And for what, she didn’t even know.

“How are you to blame, brat?” disarmed as she was, she still wasn’t going to take it easy on him.

“I thought that Iruka and his team would be attacked on the road and they were. It was my fault for my thoughts and my inaction.”

Tsunade didn’t know how to take this. It sounded very serious.

“Idiot boy. I’m sending you to see Ibiki.”

Kakashi didn’t know what to make of that.

“Ibiki? Why him? I don’t need to talk to someone, I need to be written up! Arrested!”  
This was more serious than she thought. Kakashi was normally so collected, so relaxed that he could easily be mistaken for asleep half the time, but there in her office he was positively manic. With a jolt of panic, she realised how much he reminded her of his father in his last days.

“No. You are seeing Ibiki right now, and he will be conducting a psych eval. This is an order, brat.”

Kakashi nodded solemnly and headed off slowly to his appointment.

Tsunade drank.

* * *

Kakashi prayed that he would not be granted the swift justice of death. He was sure that he deserved something drawn out, something as horrid and disgusting as the thoughts he put Iruka through. He couldn’t believe that he’d let himself think thoughts like that, if he’d stopped them from ever happening Iruka would be fine and his team would be alive. He should have seen them coming, have prevented them. If he only-

“Kakashi.”

He snapped his head up to look at Ibiki. Expecting a look of hatred, Kakashi was surprised to be met with sad eyes.

“Kakashi, please tell me what happened. Why do you feel responsible for what happened to Iruka?”

He honestly didn’t know where to start. Ibiki looked at him expectantly, pen hovering over a psych evaluation scroll. 

Kakashi took a breath.

“I have thoughts sometimes about bad things happening, and they happen. Like last spring, that huge downpour we had? I thought about people’s roofs caving in, and it happened. Five people lost their houses because their roofs collapsed. I thought about it happening and it did.”

Ibiki seemed to consider this deeply and scribbled something on his scroll, a strong frown forming over his eyes.

“Would it not be expected that some people would lose their homes like that in rain that strong? There are some very old houses in Kohona, Kakashi.”

Kakashi squirmed. Ibiki didn’t know what he meant.

“No. I mean… if I didn’t have that thought, their houses would be fine.”

Ibiki nodded, but Kakashi knew he still didn’t understand.

“With Iruka I… I had a lot of thoughts. Bad thoughts, of him and his team dying. Some of those thoughts came true, and there was no way I could have predicted it! If I didn’t think those things then his team would still be alive, he would be okay.”

Ibiki looked angry. Good, Kakashi thought, he’s beginning to get it now.

“Do you have control over these thoughts?”

Kakashi was taken aback. Control? No, they just happen. They’re like slipping on ice, they take you by surprise, you don’t control what happens or where they go. He told Ibiki this.

“Our brains are very good at thinking of the worst case scenario,” he began, choosing his words carefully “Sometimes we can’t help but latch onto it, and assume that it’s what will happen. Occasionally, and in some people more often, our brains play these scenarios to us as a way of priming us. Most people brush these thoughts off, but some attach meaning onto them. This might be your brain’s natural response, but it doesn’t mean that it’s right.”

Kakashi sat with this. He could see what Ibiki was talking about, but it didn’t explain why those things happened. Ibiki could sense this, and moved to address it.

“As for why your thoughts sometimes match what happens, it’s called confirmation bias. You don’t remember the times that your thoughts didn’t match what happened, but you do remember the times that they did. And for those times, it wasn’t your fault. It was coincidental, sometimes the worst case scenario is the one that happens. In this line of work more than others. It’s not your fault.”

The cloth covering Kakashi’s face felt very wet, and it took him a moment to realise he was crying.

“I-I still don’t know how I can look at Iruka again.” he mumbled numbly, and Ibiki looked at him with a sad fondness.

“You need to talk to him. I can’t imagine he’ll blame you, not Iruka.”

Kakashi didn’t know what he meant by that, but felt relieved to have aired his anxieties.

“However,” Ibiki suddenly took on a stern look, and Kakashi jumped at the intensity “I cannot let you back into the field. You are to be sidelined for the next month until you are mentally sound. No wriggling back in after a few days.”

Kakashi begrudgingly agreed and signed the scroll that Ibiki handed him. He purposefully avoided looking at the notes.

“Excellent. Now, go see Iruka.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *walks in 15 minutes late with starbucks and an OK chapter* we don't even have starbucks here
> 
> anyway uh HAHA i shouldn't make promises about publishing times. there will be another at some time in the future. could be soon, could be later. i can tell you though that in the next chapter? They Talk it Out. fucking finally.
> 
> ibiki is tbh my wish fulfillment therapist, wish i had someone who'd tell me that shit lol. also, as for why i chose specifically him, he's good at getting people to talk so idk thought it would be appropriate/funny to have him moonlight as a councilor lmao


	10. Nothing Breaks Your Heart

Orange skies glowed over Konoha as Iruka left the hospital.

Tsunade had declared him fit enough to look after himself for the remainder of his recovery, but she left him with stern instruction to rest.

“I don’t need to see you in here again, kid.” had been her parting words, a strained smile forced across her lips.

Iruka could only assume that her meeting with Kakashi hadn’t gone smoothly. Usually it seemed as though she enjoyed admonishing her underlings, but whatever he said or did must have thrown her.

Exhausted already by the short walk down the main road, Iruka decided he wasn’t going to cook that night. He hadn’t seen Teuchi and Ayame in a while anyway, they might be worried.

As he drew nearer to the stall, the rich scent of broth hit him and began to pull him along, his stomach rumbling in anticipation.The food in the hospital wasn’t uniformly terrible, but it didn’t hold a candle to Ichiraku.

“Iruka-sensei! It’s been quite a while, we thought you’d gone on a diet or something!” Teuchi, ever jovial, barely faltered in his smile as he noticed the yellowing bruises on Iruka’s face and arms. Iruka appreciated it, not wanting to dwell on the reason behind his absence. Ayame, however, let out a small squeak.

“Good evening, Teuchi-san, Ayame-san. I’m starving, could I have an extra-extra large chashu, please?”

Iruka relaxed and shut his eyes as the familiar noise of the Ichiraku kitchen stirred to life. The melodic bubbling of the ramen water and the steady clunk of Teuchi’s cleaver could relax Iruka on even the most stressful of days.

His eyes snapped open as Ayame placed his bowl in front of him with a heavy clunk, and Iruka noticed with a jump that someone had sat next to him.

Kakashi.

He looked… small. He seemed to be hunched further than usual, his visible grey eye downcast and sullen.

_‘Tsunade must have really put him through the wringer.’_ Iruka thought, slurping his noodles as he tried to think of a way to lighten the mood.

“Hey, at least she only ripped your balls off metaphorically. I’ve heard she’s tried to literally with Jiraiya more than once.”

Kakashi shifted slightly, but otherwise stayed stoic. Usually it was very easy for Iruka to get a laugh out of him. Something awful must have happened.

“Unless… she didn’t succeed with you, did she?”

A cough and an eye-wrinkle, now he was getting somewhere. Iruka nibbled on a thick piece of chashu as he planned his next move. Joking around was an easy way to get the conversation started, but he didn’t know how he’d ask any direct questions. Indirect was always the easiest course of action, particularly with Kakashi. Perhaps another joke? Or would Kakashi think he’s mocking what happened?

All plans flew out the window, however, as Kakashi drew in a sharp breath.

“I… I need to talk to you. In private?”

His unsure tone rattled Iruka. Kakashi was normally so sure of himself, hearing his hesitance frightened Iruka. Lost in his head, Iruka realised he hadn’t responded.

“Oh. Sure! Uh, my apartment is close by, how about there?”

Kakashi nodded and continued to stare at the bench in front of him.

_‘Wait, are we not leaving now? Is he angry? Should I have suggested his place instead? Oh no, he probably thinks I’m coming onto him! Shit, I should have said somewhere neutral. What if that’s what this is about? Oh fuck, fuck, fuck. He didn’t want to out me, that’s why he wants privacy! I’m not ready to be rejected, I just got out of hospital! What if he hates me? I’m n-’_

“Eat your dinner, sensei. You need your strength after what happened.”

_‘Ah.’_

* * *

“Sorry if it’s a bit dusty in here, I’ve been gone a while.” It wasn’t too bad, but Iruka couldn’t help but feel self conscious.

Past the genkan, they stood awkwardly in the middle of Iruka’s apartment. Unsure of what to do, Iruka shifted into host mode.

“Would you like some tea? The sofa is just through there if you’d like to sit. I think I’ve got some nibbles but, again, I’ve been gone a while so what I have is probably not safe to eat.”

Kakashi looked alarmed as he shook his head.

“I’m fine, but yeah I think we should sit. Put the kettle down.”

Iruka hadn’t noticed he’d grabbed it in his panic, and set it back down on the counter before following Kakashi to the sofa. It was large enough for them to not touch, but they were still seated very close together. Kakashi drew in a deep breath as he readied himself to talk, and Iruka felt a red-hot hand creep around his heart

“Right, so.” Kakashi took a shaky breath, “What happened to you, the missing-nin, that was my fault.” Iruka jumped in surprise. This was not at all what he was expecting. Before he had the chance to speak, Kakashi barreled onwards. 

“I had these thoughts about things happening to you, like, really bad things, and they happened, kinda. I mean, I-what I thought of wasn’t exactly what happened, but similar things did. And if I didn’t think of those things they wouldn’t have happened. It all happened because of me and if I didn’t think about those things you would have never been hurt and your team wouldn’t’ve been killed. I don’t know what to do to apologise for you. I found the people who did it and killed _them_ but it doesn’t feel enough. There has to be something more I can do for you! I almost killed you, I shouldn’t get off lightly for this!”

Iruka looked stunned. He sat staring at Kakashi, dumbfounded, for what felt like an eternity before a hysterical laugh, bordering on a scream, gurgled up from his throat.

“What are you talking about? How the fuck was that your fault? Did you order those cunts to attack us? Our blood is not on your hands, you fucking idiot! No one could have predicted what happened to us. You didn’t! You just had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. Fucking newsflash, Kakashi, we’re shinobi! Nothing we do is safe!” Tears were streaming down Iruka’s face at this point, and Kakashi thrummed with the need to wipe them away. “And why are you torturing yourself over me? Of all people! Losing me wouldn’t effect the village.”

Kakashi startled at that. He couldn’t understand how Iruka felt so little of himself. Uncomfortable with the question, Kakashi tried to deflect.

“Language, sensei.”

Iruka jumped with another strangled laugh. He looked like a man on the edge of madness, desperately trying to understand what was happening to him.

“Language? Answer the fucking question, Kakashi. Is it about Naruto, what would happen to him if I died? We’re not as close now that he has you and Jiraiya, I don’t think he’d be that torn up.”

“BULLSHIT!”

The force of Kakashi’s shout took them both off guard, with Iruka nearly falling off his seat. 

Kakashi threw all caution to the wind and steamed ahead.

“You’re basically his big brother, how could you say that?! He cares so much about you! And so does the village. Yeah, there are other teachers, but none as good as you. The kids love you and so do their parents. You’re literally training the protectors of this village, you’re the backbone! How could you think that you don’t matter? So many people in this village love you. Especially me and Naruto.”

The tightness in Iruka’s chest suddenly burst with a flash of heat that rushed up to his face. Kakashi was still talking but the hot thrumming in Iruka’s ears drowned him out.

“W-what do you mean, that you love me?”

It was Kakashi’s turn then, and the visible part of his cheeks flushed a beautiful cherry red. Iruka’s mind was stalling, and all he could do was cry.

“You misspoke, right? Cause I swear that if you actually do love me I might fucking lose my mind. Were you ever gonna tell me this, or were you going to let me feel like an idiot the rest of my life?” Iruka could barely see, his vision was clouded by both his rage and his puffy, streaming eyes.

“Ye-no, I mean, _yes_ I-I really do love you. You’re handsome and nice, how could I-look, this isn’t what we’re… this isn’t how I thought this would go.” Kakashi was completely flustered, and tears were threatening to fall from his eyes too. “I almost killed you, the man I love, do you get why I’m so torn up about what I did?”

Iruka groaned in frustration and curled into himself.

“You didn’t do anything, you fucking idiot!”

Before Kakashi could refute him again, Iruka launched himself at him, and wrapped his arms around Kakashi’s shoulders in a crushing hug.

“Don’t you dare say shit like that again, Kakashi. I’m not going to hate you for something shitty your brain does. It’s not your fault, you need to know that!”

Kakashi couldn’t speak. Both his overwhelming emotions and the tightness of Iruka’s hug choked off any response he could hope to make. Instead, he returned the embrace.

Simple human contact wasn’t something Kakashi experienced often. The weight of Iruka’s arms around him sent waves of warmth through his body, and a calm descended upon his mind. He could still feel cold tension in his muscles, but Iruka’s arms began to thaw him.

However, the contact was over too soon, and both men released shuddering breaths as they parted, both regretting the loss of warmth. Kakashi spoke first.

“I do want to get better, Iruka. With you, though.” Deeply embarrassed by how cheesy he sounded, Kakashi couldn’t make eye contact. He hoped the honesty in his voice carried as far as his desperation.

Iruka understood perfectly.

“Look, this isn’t gonna fix everything. But if we stay open with one another, we can heal. It’s gonna take a while, and you’re not gonna be cured overnight or, potentially, ever, but we can help each other. If you want to, of course, I’m not gonna push you into anything!” Iruka’s cheeks burnt, also embarrassed by his own words.

Kakashi, however, appeared to be grinning.

“I would love to, sensei.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so cheesyyyyy do people even talk this way?? Anyway.


	11. You're the Only Thing I Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished this at 2:30AM so there's probably a hunk-a-bunch of typos, i'll fix them in the morning
> 
> **Also! Warning!** There is a passing mention of suicide in this chapter.

Three weeks later, they had a routine.

Every day, Kakashi and Iruka would meet for lunch. They’d usually buy food, but sometimes Kakashi would come with something home cooked. They would then sit, usually under a tree, and they would talk for hours. By the third week Iruka had returned to work (with strict limitations courtesy of Tsunade, of course) and this cut deeply into the time they could spend together. Of course, they’d still try to meet up, usually in the staff office, which caused a lot of whispers. Neither man paid any mind. 

They didn’t talk about it, but they were both disappointed by how much time they had lost together. Out of nowhere, Kakashi suggested that they should have dinner together at Iruka’s apartment after work on a Friday. He insisted on cooking, but Iruka insisted on buying the ingredients. 

On that Friday, as Iruka swept through his kitchen, it slowly dawned on him that it was a date.

_‘If this is a date, then what are all the lunches? Do they count? That just sort of happened, dates are planned. This is planned. So is this a date? Oh fuck.’_

Iruka’s panic was punctuated by a knock at the door.

* * *

Iruka had insisted that Kakashi guess what he was making from the ingredients Iruka provided rather than just tell him. Kakashi’s frustration was palpable, but playful, and he successfully made a delicious hot pot from ramen ingredients.

“In all fairness,” said Kakashi, “What madman puts potatoes in ramen?”

After dinner, their conversation was markedly different from their lunchtime discussions. Perhaps it was the late hour, or more likely the location. Kakashi had realised on his walk over that the last time they’d met in Iruka’s apartment was _that_ night. Whatever was causing it, their conversation was bolder and flirtier than it had ever been.

Iruka even felt comfortable enough to ask a question that had been nagging at him for years.

“Do you wear it when you’re sleeping? The mask, I mean.”

He could tell Kakashi was grinning underneath it, the man was easy to read.

“Yes. Only because Tsunade once told me that on average, people eat 30 spiders a year in their sleep.”

Iruka let out a shout of a laugh, and Kakashi felt a bolt of want shoot through him.

“D-do you want dessert?” Kakashi tried to pull off his stutter, but Iruka definitely noticed it, because he grinned.

* * *

Later, they moved to sit together on the sofa to continue their talk. They both made sure to keep a respectable distance between themselves, out of awkwardness if anything. Both men ached in the most primal way, but they couldn’t fathom how to close the distance without worrying about coming on too strong. However, as they talked and laughed, they inched closer and closer, and before they’d realised how close they’d gotten, their thighs were touching.

“Ah, sorry!” Iruka blushed, assuming that he was the one being too forward. Kakashi laughed, but he knew he was the one responsible.

“It’s okay, sensei! But watch out, if you get any closer you’ll be on top of me.” Kakashi cringed internally at the cheesy line. He sounded like the protagonist of some sub-par, non-Icha Icha romantic novel. Iruka, however, grinned.

“Oh, Kakashi, would that be an issue?” He fluttered his eyelashes and pouted his lips as he played into his designated roll.

“Not at all, it might even be preferable.” Iruka’s act slipped slightly as Kakashi’s voice dropped. Even during some silly game he could barely continue to contain the hunger he felt.

“If you insist.” Iruka was unfathomably embarrassed by how forward he was being, but he was taking his chance. Kakashi seemed eager at least, and that helped stem the anxiety somewhat.

Iruka shuffled forward and swung his body up and over so that he was straddling Kakashi’s lap. He was too enthusiastic in his movements, however, and needed to place his hands on Kakashi’s chest for stability. This sent shockwaves up his arms, as he could feel the heat of his hard body through his thick jumper. They made a point to dress down for the night, no forehead protectors, no weapons, no uniforms. The plan was to have a normal night like normal people, but that flew out the window fast.

They took a moment to pause and stare at each other. Kakashi raised a hand and swept away some of Iruka’s flyaways before caressing his cheek. Iruka was flustered, he didn’t think this would be happening 5 minutes ago.

“Kakashi.” Iruka gripped the fabric under his hands tightly, so overwhelmed that he didn’t know where to start.

“Iruka.” Kakashi trailed his fingers along Iruka’s jaw, before moving up to gently sweep across his freckles with the pad of his thumb “Do you want this? It’s okay if you don’t.”

Iruka smiled as a loving warmth blossomed through his chest. He leant forward and placed a soft kiss against Kakashi’s closed eye. Leaning back, he grinned.

“Of course I want this, do you?” He released the fabric of Kakashi’s jumper and smoothed his hands over Kakashi’s pectorals.

“Very much. May I?” His hands had moved to the hem of his own jumper, and Iruka nodded enthusiastically as he removed his hands and leant further back to give him room to move.

Kakashi removed his pullover in one swift movement to reveal his battle hardened body, and Iruka hesitated. Iruka guessed that there wasn’t an inch of body fat on him, quite different to his own form. He wasn’t what anyone would call fat, but his body has softened over his time working as a teacher, and he wasn’t as thin as he once was. During a sparring session, Guy had described him as “beefy”, and Iruka struggled with the descriptor. 

He gently ran his hands over Kakashi’s protruding clavicle,and psyched himself up to remove his own jumper. Kakashi must have cottoned onto something, as he took one of Iruka’s hands, but before he could begin to speak, Iruka interrupted him.

“I’m okay, I want this, I’m just a little self conscious.” Iruka was embarrassed by his own honesty, but he didn’t want to keep Kakashi in the dark.

“That’s okay, take your time, gorgeous.”

Iruka blushed and nodded as he returned to his exploration of the angles of Kakashi’s upper body. Occasionally, he would lean down to pepper small kisses over scars and faded sunspots. Over the years, Iruka had seen only small patches of Kakashi’s skin. A flash of ankle or a tease of stomach. Against all logic, he’d imagined Kakashi’s body to be like pure, unmarred marble. Up close, Iruka could see hundreds of imperfections, and that made him unbelievably happy. 

And aroused. 

The more he touched and kissed, the more desperate he was to feel Kakashi’s hot skin against his own. He clutched onto that desire as he leant back and removed his pullover.

“Oh, _sensei_.” Kakashi purred, his open eye widening further. Iruka giggled and let his hair down in an attempt to smother his anxiety with flirtatiousness.

“Like what you see?” He tried to sound smooth, but couldn’t control the waiver in his voice.

Kakashi hummed, and reached out his hands to touch. He quickly ran into a problem, however, as he wasn’t able to decide where to touch first, and so his hands just hovered awkwardly over Iruka’s powerful chest. Already overwhelmed, he decided to go all in. Quickly, he wrapped his arms around Iruka and pushed their exposed torsos together to touch as much of him as he could at once. Overcome by the feeling of so much skin on skin, Kakashi groaned and scraped his blunt nails across Iruka’s back. Iruka moaned in kind, and pushed a hand between them to caress Kakashi’s taught stomach. 

Kakashi soon found that Iruka’s waist was his hands’ favourite place to be. He massaged and squeezed the flesh there, imagining what it would be like to hold him even tighter as Iruka fucked him. Instinctively, he ground up into Iruka, and groaned in delight and pleasure as Iruka ground back down in answer.

Hands continued to wander and grab and caress, but their lips never touched. Iruka tried to send a message, he trailed passionate kisses along Kakashi's cloth-covered jaw, and prayed that the man would take a hint, but to no avail. 

Frustrated, Iruka had to break away.

“Do you not want to kiss me?”

Kakashi could hear his own heart beating in his ears as he was blindsided by a wave of anxiety. He was an idiot to think that Iruka might be okay with kissing through the mask. 

“No! I mean I do want to kiss you, I really, really do, holy shit. I just… my face, I…” Kakashi’s brain was whirring as he was stuck trying to think of what to say, but Iruka seemed to understand.

“It’s okay.” Iruka gently caressed his cheek, and Kakashi melted into the touch “Even if you had a huge hairy mole under there I’d still want to kiss you. Buck-teeth even, I’d still want to. I don’t care what you look like, Kakashi, because you’re you.”

Kakashi didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but he was touched all the same. He was desperate to kiss Iruka, his lips were almost throbbing with need, and to do that he’d need to buck up and take off his mask.

“Don’t be too disappointed.” He mumbled, and Iruka laughed.

“You’d be hard-pressed to disappoint me, Kakashi.”

Kakashi chuckled stiffly, and his heart raced as he slowly removed his mask. 

He’d worn a mask ever since he was a child. People constantly compared him to his father, how alike they were in both temperament and physicality, and it grated on him. His father was a handsome man, but Kakashi hated being seen as a comparison rather than as his own person. Then it all became worse after his father took his own life. Kakashi couldn’t bear his own reflection, he could only see the ghost of his father staring back at him. He wore his mask constantly then, only taking it off to wash. Even then, he’d replace it with a towel. Life without a face was easier than with one, and he enjoyed the myths and rumours it caused. However, it set him up for situations like this. The handful of people who had seen him unmasked in his adult life, all of them medics, always had the same thing to say: ‘You look so much like your father’, and always with a hint of disgust and pity. Meeting Iruka’s gaze, Kakashi braced to confront his judgement.

Instead, he was shocked by the heat of Iruka’s lust.

“Beautiful,” he whispered, hot breath skimming across Kakashi’s exposed face, “May I kiss you now?”

Dazzled and unable to form even the simplest of words, Kakashi nodded frantically. An excited pant escaped his lips as Iruka slowly closed the gap between them.

Kakashi had often heard people describe their first kisses as ‘fireworks’ or ‘magic’. He never really understood what they meant, and assumed they were exaggerating. Even Jiraiya’s books, high literature as they were, seemed to exaggerate the sensation. But he understood then that he was wrong, but so were they. The simple act of touching lips with Iruka wasn’t fireworks or magic. 

It was an inferno.

Much like their evening, the kiss started chaste but escalated quickly. Iruka grabbed at the back of Kakashi’s head and pulled roughly at his hair. In turn, Kakashi groaned and dug his fingers into Iruka’s hips, which caused him to begin biting and pulling at Kakashi’s lower lip. Tongues pushed and teeth clashed. It was messy and wet, and both men were completely lost in the pleasure of it all.

They parted when Kakashi let out a strangled gasp as Iruka began to rub his aching erection. He returned the motion, and Iruka dove back in for another passionate kiss. The heat and tension began to mount, and kept mounting until Kakashi could barely think over his desire. 

The clinking of a belt buckle, however, brought him back down to earth. This wasn’t where he wanted this to happen.

Kakashi broke away.

“W-wait!” he gasped out, and Iruka shot backwards with a trail of apologies.

“Ahh I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Was that too quick?”

“No, it’s okay!” Kakashi laughed and combed a hand through Iruka’s hair to settle the man “I just think that maybe we should move somewhere more comfortable. Where’s your bedroom?”

Iruka felt himself twitch as Kakashi’s voice suddenly lowered, and he turned a deep red with both embarrassment and arousal.

“Down the hall, first on the right. Are you sure?”

As an answer, Kakashi stood. His strong arms supported Iruka as the other man tightened his thighs around Kakashi’s waist. They let out matching moans as the movement ground their crotches together fiercely. Kakashi all but ran them to the bedroom.

After a few stumbles and a stubbed toe, Kakashi managed to lower Iruka gently down onto his bed. He followed him down, but Iruka noticed that he was frowning.

“What’s wro-Hey!”

Iruka flailed as Kakashi grabbed him by the shoulders and rolled them both over. Kakashi seemed very pleased with himself as he grinned up at Iruka.

“I prefer you on top.”

Iruka couldn’t help but laugh before he pushed their lips back together in a hot kiss. There was more pressure then, and Kakashi was looking to relieve it. His hands found themselves back at Iruka’s crotch, but this time he began to undo Iruka’s trousers. With a push and a pull and an awkward tug, Iruka’s erection was free and proud. Though he felt impressive in his hand, Kakashi needed to see his prize, so he broke the kiss to look down.

Iruka’s swollen head, deep purple and dribbling pre-cum, met his gaze, and Kakashi felt himself drooling. He moved to return to Iruka’s lips, but the abrupt movement made him inhale his own saliva, and he ended up coughing into Iruka’s neck.

Shocked, Iruka laughed.

“Fuck! Ha! Are you okay? Holy shit Kakashi!” Iruka laughed as he rubbed Kakashi’s back and kicked his trousers off the rest of the way “Seriously, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Kakashi croaked, and he met back up with Iruka’s lips, “I’m… good… to… go,” he said between kisses.

Iruka hummed and moved his hands to continue what he’d started earlier on the sofa. However, his hands shook too much to navigate Kakashi’s belt buckle. He groaned in frustration against Kakashi’s lips.

“I need some help, apparently I’m nervous.”

Kakashi responded with sweet little kisses over Iruka’s cheeks and nose, and effortlessly removed his own belt. Iruka kissed Kakashi’s neck passionately in thanks, and slowly unbuttoned Kakashi’s pants himself.

He felt calmer, and with a little help from Kakashi, the trousers were off and flung to some corner of the room. He too had to lean back to take in his lover’s form, and he was not disappointed. Kakashi was a little longer, Iruka was a little thicker. They made a great pair.

With great focus, Iruka lowered his body flush to Kakashi’s, and they moaned in tandem as their erections touched. Both had to take a moment to calm down.

Kakashi gazed up in awe at the man above him, Iruka too gazed down with pure love and affection. They met in the middle for a sweet kiss before they both started moving their bodies together.

The feeling was sublime. Iruka felt like every nerve ending was on fire, and he was desperate for more. However, so close to the edge and so overwhelmed, that he had to lift his hips away to delay the inevitable. Kakashi was grateful for the pause, he could feel his orgasm building too quickly, and was embarrassed and desperate. Iruka began to lower back down, but Kakashi grabbed his hips to stop him.

“I can’t, I’m so close, Iruka” he didn’t want it to end so soon. If he could, he wanted the feeling to last a lifetime.

Iruka understood, his body shook with exertion as he suppressed his orgasm.

“It’s okay, I am too. I’m so close”

Kakashi groaned and grasped at Iruka’s ass, and forced their cocks together into a heavy grind. It only took a handful of pulses before both men found themselves cumming.

Iruka’s vision went white, and Kakashi let out a scream. They both shook and writhed as the intense pleasure washed over them, wave after wave. They eventually came back down to earth, and Iruka rolled off, satiated and happy and tightly gripping Kakashi’s hand.

It took them a few more minutes to get their druthers enough to speak.

“That was the most intense thing I’ve ever felt.” Iruka gasped.

“Me too. A bit quick, but I think that with enough practice we’ll get it right.” 

“Oh, we will, will we?” 

Both men laughed and began to trade lazy kisses, when suddenly the rapidly cooling semen on both of their stomachs called their attention. Kakashi offered to go grab a wet cloth, which Iruka had no complaints about. He’d temporarily lose his pillow, but that was worth it not to have to wash dry semen out of his pubes in the morning.

Kakashi quickly returned with the cloth, and laid back down next to Iruka. He gently cleaned them both, cautious of their over sensitive members. When he was done, Kakashi made to return the cloth to the bathroom, but a heavy arm stopped him from moving.

“It’s okay, just put it on the bedside table, I’ll deal with it tomorrow.” mumbled Iruka, voice already thick with sleep as he snuggled back down against Kakashi’s side.

Kakashi acquiesced, he didn’t want to leave Iruka’s again, anyway, before he returned his attention back to the man cuddled under his arm, who was looking up at him with a sleepy grin.

“What is it?” Kakashi smiled back, heart filled to burst with warmth and love.

Iruka grinned wider, and stretched up to place a sweet kiss against Kakashi’s jaw.

“You’re not going to wear your mask?”

Slightly confused and vaguely offended, Kakashi shook his head.

“Not when I’m alone with you.”

Iruka suddenly frowned and looked away, and seemed to think hard over what Kakashi had said. Kakashi, of course, had begun to panic. The panic evaporated, however, as Iruka turned back to him with a glimmer of mischief in his eyes.

“But what about the spiders?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is 3,000 words wtf
> 
> next (and last!) chapter is an epilogue, baybee.
> 
> also wow i hope you're all doing okay in these fucking weird times. we'll get through it!


	12. Not a Real Chapter

Apologies! There was going to be an epilogue but I’ve well and truly run out of steam for this fic. For anyone who’s curious, which I imagine is nobody, the basic outline was:

-At the 7th hokage inauguration after party  
-A very sore looking Naruto is laughing with his friends  
-Kakashi knew something bad was going to happen to him, Iruka cuts that down immediately  
-“Oh, did you know that Hima-chan would unlock her byakugan and jab her father in the breadbasket?” 

A cheesy, dumb ending for a cheesy, dumb fic. 

Whatever. Like everyone else, COVID-19 has me all fucked up, and I can’t seem to tear my brain away from my Current Obsession to finish this fic.

I may finish it in future, I’m hoping the overwhelming guilt of leaving it unfinished will eventually force me to write a real ending. For now though, this is it. Sorry.


End file.
